Dogma Quotes
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BEHOLD THE METATRON - HERALD OF THE ALMIGHTY AND VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD!
Sweet. ..Jesus! Did you... have to empty...the whole can?!
I'm the one... who's soaked and... she's the one who's pissed. That's rich!
Or you'll what - hit me with that fish?
Enough with the raping already! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.
See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. You meat-puppets and your arrogance - you think everyone's just waiting to
rape you.
I'm pissed is what I am. You go around drenching everyone that comes into
your room with flameretardent chemicals? No wonder you don't get laid. Go get me a towel, will you?
Like I was saying - I am the Metatron. Metatron. Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell?
You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, right? I am a seraphim.
The highest choir of angels?
You do know what an angel is, don't you?
Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo
claims to have spoken with God, they're speaking to me. Or they're speaking to themselves.Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand
the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in
and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adam's
before we figured that out.
How do I know you're an angel? - Oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? You
people kill me. Fine. You want more proof? How about a tequila?
The only place one can go for good tequila.
Dos tequilas, por favor. And an empty glass. Gracias, senor. Actually, we're in the Chilli's down the street from your house, but it was
still an impressive trick. You don't mind that I lost the wings, do you? I'm trying to keep our
profile low.
Can you imagine how insulting it is to converse with a person and have them
insist you're a dream? If I had an ego, it'd be bruised.
Why am I supposed to go on a crusade?- Your's is a heritage divine. Also, you didn't seem to be doing much lately.
Moses was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you
to part an ocean. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.
What's the fine print? - Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.
Damn, this is good tequila. - Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.- Damn this is good tequila?
- The first part. - Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all
existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
That's the problem with you people - you need every-thing clarified. No
leaps of faith whatsoever.
What's he like? God? - Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor.
Look at sex. Sex is funny. One time I asked him why you people had to look
so stupid while procreating. He said if you didn't, you'd do it all the
time, just for fun. And you all look so damn stupid doing it. It kills us upstairs.
- Sex is a joke in Heaven?
- The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too.
God's a skee-ball fanatic. - Let's not altogether blow some of the mystery that surrounds Him, alright?
Yes - the Lord has quite a fancy for the game; been playing it for years -
He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anyone
where He's playing; just goes away for a couple of hours. It's quite
understandable - a small exercise in hand/eye coordination has been proven
as a highly effective means of therapeutic relaxation. And from what I
understand, He always gives his free points away to neighborhood children.
Isn't that sweet?
Don't be stupid - demons aren't exclusive to Hell. Anybody can summon one.
So what do we do now? - I say we get drunk, kids - because I'm all out of ideas.
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